Friends and Family Members

If you think a friend or family member has an eating disorder, you may be experiencing a variety of feelings including concern, worry, frustration, even anger and guilt. It is often helpful to start by learning more about eating disorders. Next, talk to your loved one with the goal being to show your concern and offer your support. It may be helpful at this, or a later date, to provide the individual with written information about eating disorders and/or the names of therapists, or support groups that she or he can access. Be prepared, however, to face denial or refusal to talk about the problem. This is a normal (though understandably, challenging), part of the process of change. The individual may not have spoken about it to anyone before, and may not be ready to talk or deal with the issue. Just like with anyone going through a difficult time, be respectful, patient and supportive. However, this is not a reason to avoid the subject. People in recovery have often said that it was the care and concern of another individual that made the difference for them, even though they may not have seemed grateful at the time.

Some helpful suggestions:

Learn as much as you can about eating disorders and the situations surrounding them.
If or when you are going to say something, think about it in advance with the best way to go about it.
Choose a safe place and time to talk when you are both calm in a peaceful setting.
Never bring up the topic around food, and certainly never at mealtimes.
Enjoy activities together that do not raise issues of weight and shape.
Examine your own issues regarding food, weight and shape. Are you dieting, or bringing diet food into the house? Modelling comfort with one’s own appearance demonstrates support, well-being and self-acceptance.
Don’t let his/her issues or problems dominate your relationship – talk about yourself and your day as well.
Don’t comment on his/her weight or shape. Even comments such as "you look healthy", when someone is in recovery from anorexia, or "you look like you lost weight", to someone struggling with overeating, can be triggering. Better to compliment the overall person, rather than focusing on appearance.
Establish your bottom-line: for example, if the family’s food is gone after an evening episode of binge eating, you can ask that this food be replaced.
Don’t act as if destructive behavior doesn’t exist. Caringly acknowledge it and ask if they want to talk about it. Don’t force the person to talk about it.
Do allow someone the choice to seek treatment. It can be helpful to provide information on treatment options and financial or other assistance if possible.
If the situation is life-threatening, do seek emergency help or short-term hospitalization. If you are concerned about this, contact the individual’s physician.
Remember, take care of yourself by managing your own stress and continue doing things that you enjoy. You cannot be in a position to help if you are too stressed.
Very important, listen without judgement and prejudice.

Unhelpful things to say or do include:

Making comments about your loved one’s physical appearance or weight.
Making comments about your own appearance, weight, diet or exercise.
Giving a list of people who are also concerned.
Demanding change or berating your friend or family member.
Tricking or forcing your loved one to eat.
Using statements that label, blame or are judgemental.
Joining the same online community if you know they are on one.

Examples of statements to avoid are "You" statements, such as "You need help" or "You aren’t eating enough" or "You have an eating disorder". Instead, it is more effective to use non-judgemental "I" statements, such as "I am worried about you because I care".